A few weeks ago I spoke about the complexities of celebrating Father’s Day in America. Also, my very first post for Pop Psyc was about the incredibly damaged relationship to my father. However, in the wake of that, something jarring has happened. A couple of weeks ago my father died. I share this, because my father’s death revealed the true nature of that side of my family. Blood may be thicker than water, but sharing blood does not make it incumbent upon you to be connected to those people.
The Very Short Story of My Father’s Involvement in My Life: My father was a teenage parent and was somewhat involved in my life for the first year despite the fact that his family denied that I was his son and wanted him to stay away from my mother and me. He then spent the next 10+ years in jail for narcotics. When he was released, he wanted to be involved with me, but I wasn’t ready. In my early 20s he tracked me down again and we began a very loose relationship. My father died.
With a relationship like this, one might think that I wouldn’t be too upset about the death of my father. You’re wrong. It hurts a great deal and I’m working hard to come to terms with it. Writing in a journal is a great way to help deal with emotions and thoughts that one is having trouble processing or getting through. As a result, I do what I know works; I write.
In the passing of my father, my father’s side of the family has revealed its true self to me and proved to me that my life is better without them. When I met my father, he connected me to my younger sister. I have had a closer relationship with her, but still not as close as siblings typically are. I have tried to be involved in the lives of my sister and niece, but it has been difficult. She is trapped in a cycle of poverty that affects so much more than what she can afford to buy. I have been trying to help her to have some of the options and advantages I have had growing up. The trouble has been that despite my attempts, my sister has consistently turned away from me.
In the days since my father passed, I have repeatedly tried to be strong for my sister, while hiding my own painful breakdowns. Yet, in the last week I have been trying to be a part of the planning for the last arrangements for my father. However, being that that side of the family has never met me previous to the day we found out about my father’s death, my sister is the only one for whom I have contact information. The problem is that my sister has been ignoring me as I have been trying to get information. I believe this is due to her request for money for the arrangements and that I said, “No”. I’m at a transition in my life where I am not working and cannot afford to spare anything at this point. I did offer a small amount, which she also ignored.
So as I write this post, I don’t know the cause of death for my father. I don’t know if he is being buried or cremated. I don’t know what memorial plans have been made nor when. I don’t know what happened to his personal effects. I know nothing about what has happened since his death. My sister has completely shut me out.
I am mourning the death of my father and I know nothing about what is being done for his final resting. However, what this reveals to me is that my sister does not care deeply about me the way that I have for her. I loved her before I met her and have always wanted to be a part of her life. Yet, now I have made the decision that she, and that part of my family, will not be a part of mine. To shut me out at the death of our father is the last straw in a long history of slights and disrespect directed at me.
I share this publicly, because it is important for all of you who have familial conflicts to understand that while family is important, it is not important enough to allow them to repeatedly hurt you. I am not saying that one should not try to resolve issues. You should work hard, as I tried to do, to reconcile whatever you can because in death it all seems trivial. However, you needn’t associate yourself with a group of people who actively hurt you just, because you share blood.
I don’t know if I’ll ever speak to my sister or that side of the family again after this incident. But that’s fine with me. I have family and friends who love me and they will get my love.
The Very Short Story of My Father’s Involvement in My Life: My father was a teenage parent and was somewhat involved in my life for the first year despite the fact that his family denied that I was his son and wanted him to stay away from my mother and me. He then spent the next 10+ years in jail for narcotics. When he was released, he wanted to be involved with me, but I wasn’t ready. In my early 20s he tracked me down again and we began a very loose relationship. My father died.
With a relationship like this, one might think that I wouldn’t be too upset about the death of my father. You’re wrong. It hurts a great deal and I’m working hard to come to terms with it. Writing in a journal is a great way to help deal with emotions and thoughts that one is having trouble processing or getting through. As a result, I do what I know works; I write.
In the passing of my father, my father’s side of the family has revealed its true self to me and proved to me that my life is better without them. When I met my father, he connected me to my younger sister. I have had a closer relationship with her, but still not as close as siblings typically are. I have tried to be involved in the lives of my sister and niece, but it has been difficult. She is trapped in a cycle of poverty that affects so much more than what she can afford to buy. I have been trying to help her to have some of the options and advantages I have had growing up. The trouble has been that despite my attempts, my sister has consistently turned away from me.
In the days since my father passed, I have repeatedly tried to be strong for my sister, while hiding my own painful breakdowns. Yet, in the last week I have been trying to be a part of the planning for the last arrangements for my father. However, being that that side of the family has never met me previous to the day we found out about my father’s death, my sister is the only one for whom I have contact information. The problem is that my sister has been ignoring me as I have been trying to get information. I believe this is due to her request for money for the arrangements and that I said, “No”. I’m at a transition in my life where I am not working and cannot afford to spare anything at this point. I did offer a small amount, which she also ignored.
So as I write this post, I don’t know the cause of death for my father. I don’t know if he is being buried or cremated. I don’t know what memorial plans have been made nor when. I don’t know what happened to his personal effects. I know nothing about what has happened since his death. My sister has completely shut me out.
I am mourning the death of my father and I know nothing about what is being done for his final resting. However, what this reveals to me is that my sister does not care deeply about me the way that I have for her. I loved her before I met her and have always wanted to be a part of her life. Yet, now I have made the decision that she, and that part of my family, will not be a part of mine. To shut me out at the death of our father is the last straw in a long history of slights and disrespect directed at me.
I share this publicly, because it is important for all of you who have familial conflicts to understand that while family is important, it is not important enough to allow them to repeatedly hurt you. I am not saying that one should not try to resolve issues. You should work hard, as I tried to do, to reconcile whatever you can because in death it all seems trivial. However, you needn’t associate yourself with a group of people who actively hurt you just, because you share blood.
I don’t know if I’ll ever speak to my sister or that side of the family again after this incident. But that’s fine with me. I have family and friends who love me and they will get my love.